The Feeling of Happyness

I was with a lot of friends when the result came as all of us were waiting for the result for oneself or the other. I would anyways have been with them having been staying in a hostel for the past year, but this gathering on the 4th of May, 2012 was different. But before I move ahead, I'd like to recap things a bit.

Vikash (a close friend, fellow hosteller and batchmate at college who had also taken the interview) and I were watching Hugo when the Interview Calls Roll Number List came on the 1st of March. We couldn't complete it then owing to the celebratory mood that overtook the entire hostel as soon as the list came, and Vikash decided that we'd complete it on the Final Result day, given that Hugo had brought us both luck. I for one was dumbstruck to see my name in that list itself having written the worst Mains I thought I could. Never had I been so shocked and surprised in such a way in my entire life. I was shaking and trembling after seeing the list, literally, and it continued for the remainder of the day, obviously out of happiness! To tell you the truth that was a far more happier day than the 4th of May, ie when the Final Selection List came.

But by the 4th of May, Vikash in anticipation of the result on the 3rd itself had already seen Hugo the day before. He tried a lot to make the result happen on the 3rd by pausing it and delaying its completion as much as he could but that didn't help. I couldn't find the nerve to see it even on the 4th. What if the result still didn't come on the 4th and we both would then be left out of luck. I couldn't take that risk, so in a way I was conserving my luck, but at the same time thinking what if not being able to see it before the result would be a sign of bad luck? What if the result came suddenly?

Some of the friends in the hostel who had taken the Interview had been following the orkut community Interview prep for IAS since morning that day. Names had been flashing on the community threads now and then since 10:30 am on the 4th. But considering UPSC has a big rumour budget, so I stayed away from it. At around 2pm I started hearing that the Final Selection list had been posted on the UPSC Building Notice Board. Also around the same time the traffic on the community threads suddenly increased and many names, with ranks, started surfacing. Almost the whole hostel gathered within minutes in Anoop's (a close friend who had taken an amazing attempt) room where this Community thread was being followed. Abid (Syed Abid Rasheed Shah, a very dear friend who was undergoing his IPS Training in Hyderabad then) called me and asked if I had somebody outside the UPSC Building to see the result. Now that the news had reached Vallabhai Patel National Police Academy and from what Abid told me in the next few minutes, I couldn't not believe in its authenticity. He told the name of Rajat Bansal, who was training with him, had been confirmed to be in the list, with a rank that would make him an IAS, by a friend of Rajat's who was outside the UPSC Building. I told Abid not to worry, wished him all the luck in the world, and reminded him of last year when both of us were having the same conversation and the Final Selection list was put up within 15-20 minutes of when it was pasted on the UPSC Notice Board.

The wait now was over. But I could see the look on all my friends faces, had the wait only finally begun for them? I was not expecting my name to even be in the Interview Calls list, like I wrote earlier, let alone the Final Selection list, so I couldn't feel the intensity for myself, but still minutes seemed longer and I was pumping with energy to read the names of all my friends who had taken the Interview.

I quickly went to my room and put on Hugo and came back to Anoop's room where everybody was at the time. Some more time passed and Chakresh's name appeared on the Community thread to no one's surprise along with his rank, the only surprise for me was the rank. He deserved better I felt. I thought to give him a call, but then stopped myself as this still wasn't official news. Then began the continuous refreshing and reloading of the UPSC site. Were we waiting for an absolution? Was there one for all my friends?

I could almost hear the heart beats of those next to me. And soon a new link appeared on the UPSC website, the link we all wanted to click. I had asked Anoop to scroll down rather than search for names, but that was easier said than done. The pdf opened and Anoop started scrolling with everyone's eyes glued to the laptop screen with some of us sitting on the floor, some on the bed, some standing. Vikash's heart was touching my knee and it was beating so hard that I felt its rhythm was pumping blood in my body. I felt pulses of 'happyness' when I read the names Sanyam, Namit, Abid, Chandra Mohan Thakur. But then a sad feeling took over when I didn't see Chakresh, Anoop, Vikash, Rishi and Anurag on the first page. I held my nerve. Pawan Kadyan appeared. I didn't feel anything for it couldn't have been mine, there must have been some other Pawan taking the Exam. Anoop kept scrolling. Harsh, Abhijeet, Vivekanand, Anjani, Mayur, Ajit, Ashish, Ravi, Vikas Choudhary, Rishi, Chakresh, Rupak, Anurag appeared. Anoop kept scrolling. Vikash's heart could have easily broken his ribs and come out I felt. Alok's name appeared. We were nearing the end of the list. The list ended. Vikash and Anoop, who were next to me, and Prakash didn't find their names in the list. I felt numb. And this wasn't a happy numb like the one on the 1st of March. We 'searched' Anoop and Vikash Kumar Shahwal's names. No Anoop was found. A Vikash, albeit someone else, did surface. I checked the name Pawan Kadyan again. It had my roll number. But why then couldn't I still believe it was me? Why wasn't I feeling happy? Everybody started congratulating me for becoming an IAS. Vikash and Anoop too. They had done so much, I can't imagine what must have been going inside them. The phone calls started coming. I was given a beating on the backside.

I called home, Dad picked up. I asked him to call Mom too and to switch the phone to speaker mode. I said, "Aapka beta IAS ban gaya."(Your son has become an IAS). No replies, all that I heard was the sound of them crying. The phone call ended. I could feel my eyes were wet, my lips trembling, and it was then that I felt happy. My parents gathered themselves, and called back, "Beta ab ghar aaja." (Son, now come home).